Narcissism – Transform self love into empathy August 16, 2023 by Riston We are all, to some degree, narcissists. The difference between a person having a healthy level of self love and what we normally label as ‘narcissist’ are qualities such as having an incoherent sense of self and viewing others as self-objects. Deep narcissism is, in essence, a solipsistic view of reality where everyone else is merely a means to an end, and are by implication just extensions of the self. People with healthy levels of self love are capable of empathizing with other people and do not require constant external validation in order to maintain their sense of self. Empathy is, to a large extent, the ability to recognize the humanity in other people. It is the ability to view other persons in the same light we ultimately view ourselves, as ends and not as means. It’s a process and way of relating to others, as well a skill that must be developed. The cultivation of empathy is key to transforming oneself from a dysfunctional state of self-absorption to a predisposition of healthy narcissism. There are four components to the skillset of empathy: Empathic Attitude – It is important to remember that people are ends, and that what we know of them from appearances and the social facade they don are only a part of a much larger ‘self’. Paradoxically, in order to fully appreciate the humanity of others requires that we have a clear and honest sense of and respect for ourselves, neither engaging in feelings of superiority or inferiority. Visceral Empathy – The most common empathic skill that people are familiar with, this involves being able to relate to what another person is feeling, a process of emotional attunement. This form of empathy is encapsulated in the colloquialism “walk a mile in someone else’s shoes”, and requires seeing things from another person’s emotional point of view. Analytic Empathy – The more you know about a person, specifically their values, preferences, and background, the more likely you are to empathize with that person. Varied, in-person relationships offer the opportunity to learn a great deal about people, and this will often translate to greater empathy for that person. To encourage more empathy in day-to-day interactions, attempt to avoid rash judgements and to learn more about the people you are dealing with. The Empathic Skill – the skill of empathy requires consistent practice to develop. Asking questions (discreetly) following an internal observation of behaviors and cues will help you to understand if you are advancing this skill. By honing your empathy, you will be far more adept at navigating social circumstances with ease. Below are four common types of narcissists: The Complete Control Narcissist – Joseph Stalin – These types are really good at forming fast but shallow relationships. They tend to be extremely ambitious, but are equally insecure. They are great at charming their victims, and providing a chummy feel, but always immediately proceed to exercize aloofness in order to not let anyone too close. They are highly subject to paranoia, and tend to develop into micromanagers. Best to avoid these types as much as possible. The Theatrical Narcissist – Jeanne de Belciel – These types crave constant attention, and are great at staging performances that will attract it. They generally try to make constant, grandiose displays of virtue, or perpetually churn from one victimizing circumstance to the next making a display of their victimhood. These types are always on display for public consumption, even in their most intimate relationships. Recognizing and seeing through their facade is the best strategy for avoiding getting caught up in their drama. The Narcissistic Couple – Leo Tolstoy & Wife – While Tolstoy had traits characteristic of deep narcissism, this case is more demonstrative of relationship dynamics. When both parties in a relationship fail to try to understand the value systems of the other, both will tend to retreat more internally and never achieve or lose all sense of empathy in the bond. A commitment to understanding the other person’s needs and values is what helps to offset this dynamic. The Healthy Narcissist – Sir Ernest Henry Shackleton – While “healthy narcissism” may seem to be a bit of an odd term, it’s likely the best we can hope for. The degree of empathy and self-confidence necessary to attain this level are the necessary components of true leadership. Understanding the general values, motivations, and predisposition of the people around you will enable you to more effectively motivate them towards a common goal. This mostly means being able to listen and understand the other’s point of view. Also worth mentioning is a relationship between the concept of narcissism and that of Appearance Bias, where not taking individuals entirely at face value is an indispensable mindset for successfully identifying deep narcissists and minimizing the potential risk of getting caught in their web – either through skillful social navigation or complete avoidance. Recognizing appearance bias serves a dual function of helping one to cultivate real empathy with other persons. I do not ask how the wounded person feels, I myself become the wounded person.Walt Whitman
